Last week there about Wednesday, I was feeling all proud after sending out that email to him and I came out here with a victory dance, feeling like a heroin..or is it heroine…..and I don’t mean the drug. I waited for a response which never came round and to me, it just meant that he did not give two hoots about what I was saying of which I was right. So after waiting and waiting for two days, I thought perhaps I should call and find out if he had seen the email. And sure he had. I asked why there was no response and he said it was because he was not sure of what to say about it because he found it emotional. What I did not get to know was if he meant that he felt I was too emotional on the email or that the email brought out some emotions in him and he did not know how to respond. Well, after a chat of about 30min, the outcome was not close to what I had expected…..Well, its for me to know and for you to find out….
So, today I was at it again. This time I thought I keep it short and simple. Is said what I wanted and how I intended to go around it inless than 200 words and I nailed it this time.
Mark you, he is a wonderful human being. He is adorable, he is funny, he is good all round but there was this one thing, this one thing that could not be overlooked and it has cost me a friendship of 1yr. If only I could change the situation, he would be here with me and I would be there with him. It is one of those things that I hope never to overlook, never to underestimate its power. I actually hope that I will not repeat this mistake again for as long as I live. The decision to get involved was done without thinking really hard about the repercussions for the both of us. I am not blaming it on anyone because we both got involved willingly. But I hope that despite it all, we will remember each other fondly coz I surely will miss him. He was good company.
With this experience, I have learned that the heart is fragile and it should not be taken for joyrides. I have come to know much about myself and I am much more aware of what I am when it comes to relationships. One thing that I know for sure is that I am not wired for those relationships purely based on sex. I am wired for much more intimate and permanent relationships and in the last months I have come to very strongly desire a much more permanent man in my life. The other thing I have learned is that I should be much more gentle with myself and if I feel like being adventurous or cheeky, then it better be with anything else but not with my heart. But the ultimate lesson I will take with me is that the mind and the heart do not always concur. My mind really wanted to be over with this part of my life but my heart was reluctant to let go.
So I have my jogging boots on and ready to jog around looking for fresh cheese because someone is moving my cheese. I will sniff and scurry around, move to the next cheese cell if I find that there isn’t enough cheese in the current cell until I find a cell with adequate cheese to last a long long long time. I am older and wiser now and I know at least one more thing about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, my aspirations, my desires and my expectations.
Did I say that I broke up with him on his birthday?…It is significant because now he can have a new beginning, a fresh start and someday he will be grateful that this happened today.
Am so proud of me, I will not look back, I will not regret and for sure, I will not entertain the WHAT IFs that may try to cross my mind.