Love, Infatuation, madness….which is which?

This takes me back to when I was in Form 3 after discovering books like the Mills and Booms. I remember how we used to read a novel in three days because they were in such high demand as the young naive gir’s that we were than, fell for the romance in those books. I remember sentences like…”their eyes locked, she felt a chill go down her spine as he smiled back at her she knew she had finally met the man of her dreams. He had dark hair, white blinding teeth, his smile lit the room and his hairy chest was broad, just the way she had imagined he would be”…..yeah right….and despite the tomboy that I was, I always got taken in. And I thought that I too would find him…the man of my dreams and we would live happily ever after. Shock on me, I was later to realize that,that kind of love was confined to the covers of the MB novels only. Mmmmhh….yes, and 20yrs down the line…I still search for my Knight in shinning armor…the elusive Adam…and only God who knows where he is and when we shall meet. Sometimes I wonder, do I just give it all up and stop searching?..Well, call me pessimistic…its ok..but after having my fragile heart broken enough times, I am beginning to wonder whether I was wasn’t born to be alone…But I don’t want to be alone after all.

Infatuation….puppy love….obsessive love……can someone tell me…how do you know if you are in love or is experiencing all or one of these other confused types of love…? Lately I have found myself really trying to hard not to get emotionally attached to anyone. Some tell me to get what they call a f***kbuddy, twashmate, sexmate…boy!! haven’t I tried that too…and guess what, I still find myself developing those very attachment feelings that I have come to hate so much. I was telling Janet, my sister, that I don’t think I was cut out for this kind of relationships. Despite it all, I have found myself constantly making deals with myself, telling myself….”this is the last day he will hear from me”……there is nothing as embarrassing as following up behind a man like the way a puppy follows the boy that owns him…it follows diligently without asking a question….and at 38yrs old, it does not make me feel very good about myself. In fact, like today, I made that same deal with myself and hope that this time, I shall pull through successfully. It is said that what the mind can conceive, so it can achieve. Its the end of the whole shubeng….but this time…it is me falling in love once again and this time, in the healthy manner. I shall destine to fall in love with one last person, a person that I have for so many years looked down upon…the one person that has for so many years demanded for my love but I have constantly rejected their advances.

Today l made up my mind to do it once and for all and see where it leads me….Be it infatuation, puppy love, obsessive love or real love….I choose to let my guard down and love KAREN!!!…..perhaps, she will not take me for granted like the others have. Perhaps this time, I will know what love is all about…perhaps this time, I will learn how to love and love right….yes…I am not alone after all….I have found me somewhere to direct all this love that I have inside of me and perhaps it will be reciprocated.

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