Closure

Closure

I have a girlfriend who keeps telling me that my life is full of drama. My response is usually the same. “How else would I hear your infectious laughter”? 

He told me that my life is both a testimony and a sermon, only for him to end our “falselationship” “anti-climaxly”.  

June 2021 is a month will not be forgotten quickly. The events of the first two (2) of this glorious month will remain engraved in my heart.  In deed the romance novels I read while in high school gave me a false picture about romantic relationships walai. The authors of the Mills and Boon novels should be arrested and jailed because in a way I blame them for leaving me with a false belief about romance. So when this tall and handsome young lad stopped me to ask for my name, all I heard was  bla bla bla bla for the better part of the conversation.  At seventeen (17)years of age, he was the first boy who actually caught my true attention. I was not much of a boys girl, and through all my high school, I did not have a “boyfriend” like many girls my age. You can say I was more of a cheeky, happy-go-lucky kinda tomboy who loved to tease boys while giving them very little attention. But this young man I nicknamed “Baby Elephant” was very persistent unlike other boys and eventually we started writing each other letters during school terms. He was actually very expressive, and I loved the way he curved every letter with so much attention and intent. He sent me the most unique cards with the most beautiful words too and I often wondered where he got the money to buy them or where he actually sourced them from. After high school, and right before I went to college, we would hang out together whenever we had a chance albeit for a few minutes. My mother’s hawk eye was constantly on me so whenever she sent me on errands, Baby Elephant would accompany me just to spend some time with me. I honestly believed he had “Puppy love” for me.  On the other hand, I was not sure what I felt for him but I knew he made me laugh, and I truly liked him and always looked forward to seeing him. At that age I could not differentiate between love and like.

Puppy love, also known as a crush, is an informal term for feelings of romantic or platonic love, often felt during childhood and early adolescence, generally 4 to 14 year olds. 

When the results of the Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education came out, we met and as he told each other what we individually scored, I also got to know he was one (1) year younger that me. My teenage idealistic mind could not believe that for one year I like a boy who was younger than me. At that time, just like every girl, I was supposed to be with a man either my agemate or older. Never a younger man. I got so mad that he had not disclosed this earlier and I broke off the friendship. Soon after I started hearing rumors that he was being seen walking around town with another girl and I got hurt but I could not explain why.  Eventually I met an older man who would become significant in my life, and Baby Elephant became an “ex”. My high school sweetheart felt that I had chosen a wealthy and older man over him because he was poor. This accusation left me confused because we were no longer on speaking terms and he too was seeing someone else.  Eventually Baby Elephant left the country for studies and I got married.  I remember when I started facing  problems with my “significant other”, I would imagined Baby Elephant coming rescue me. Just like it happened in the Mills and Boon stories, I thought he would come sweep me away and take me to his castle where we would life happily ever after. But Baby Elephant had left town and we lost touch for more than 13yrs. When I next saw him, I was single and so was he and in my mind, this was an opportunity to rekindle what we had back then.  I went into high gear to keep us together but it only lasted two (2) years. Once again went our separate ways due to irreconcilable differences. I was sad but nevertheless, we quickly moved on.  But he kept appearing in my dreams. Two (2) months never went by without him showing up in my dreams. I did not make a fuss about them for eleven (11) years until this morning when I woke up trembling and crying from a dream with him. It was too real.  I dropped out of bed and to feel on my knees and while silently sobbing, I pleaded with God to make them stop. I also called Baby Elephant and told him about the dream.  I believed he was my “Spiritual husband” at this point. He was kind to listen to me and at the end of our conversation we agreed to pray and set each other free emotionally and spiritually.    The dreams stopped for a few months, but they came back in full swing.  I chose to totally ignore them. But from time to time I would think perhaps Baby Elephant was the “ONE”. My soulmate, my Adam, my Boas. I even began to believe he was the only man who ever loved me for me without any hidden agenda.  I was sold out to the idea that eventually love would lead us back to one another.

So this June I woke up to a really intense dream with him and I decided to tell him about it. Mark you, this was thirty two (32) years since that day he spoke to me for the very first time, sixteen (16) years since we had seen him and five (5) years since our “set me free” session.  I kid you not, for 3 days talked for not less than seven (7) hours and never ran out of stories. Regardless our time difference, WhatsApp served us well.  I personally looked forward to the time when we would get together, to talk and laugh like two love struck teenagers. He said the right words and his laughter was music to my ears. Well, this romance did not go past 3 days. He started to withdraw and with every passing day of silence from his end, my heart sank into my stomach with anxiety.  “Oh no! I must have pushed him away with my excitement”.  This is what I would tell myself. I decided to give him a chance to start the conversation but the days just kept coming and I got even more anxious.  To cut the long story short, he when he finally talk, he called it off but not in a nice way.  He did not say very kind words and I was left with my jaw swiping the floor. Like what just happened?  Even though we had both agreed to give time an opportunity to show us whether our reconnection was for closure or as a 3rd chance at love, this is not how I imagined it would end. He just slammed me down with not iota of consideration for my feelings.

After licking my wounds for a few days, I decided to sit down and analyze this unexpected turn of events. Why Baby Elephant decided to pull the plug on us that fast? Was it something I said or did? I called myself for a meeting and the best location was a breathtaking park in Idaho named Coeur D’Alene for meditation. I also carried my journal. It is always helpful when I write down my thoughts and feelings because somewhere in the sentences lies great insight.  As I jotted my thoughts, questions started coming through. “Since 1990, when has BE ever looked for you?”, “Who starts conversation between the two of you?”,  “Who seeks the other?”. The answers to these questions woke me up from a 31 yrs stupor. I got woke!! After recovering from my shocking awakening, I realized that all along I was living in a fantasy. A fantasy that I had had a sole-mate, that one person who was meant to be with me, that one man who truly loved me. It was all a lie. I misconstrued BE’s gestures.  May times he had said, “I don’t deserve you” and now I know why. He never loved me at all. He was a just a secondary school boy who was fascinated with a secondary school girl but got over it and moved on. I was the one stuck in a figment of my own imagination for 31 gadamn years! Oh my!! But as hard as it was to swallow this bitter truth, I still thank God for allowing this to happen.  It was about time let go of this false belief. God must have been like , “St. Peter, I think it’s about time we bust her bubble”. I was also livid with him and with also myself but after crying my eye balls out, I found it best to also accept my responsibility in this whole mess. I chose not get angry at BE even though I feel that all along he was aware that I had put him on a pedestal he did not deserve. He failed to set the records straight but instead he chose to string me along, saying what he knew I wanted to hear, while amusing himself at my folly.  The cat licked my eyes ooohh!! I saw the light!! Well, I have put all that 32yrs old mess where it belongs and am moving on forward with life, lighter and wiser. The hoax is over!!!

Do you also have a lie you have been holding on to for so long and you need to let go? Are you ready to face the truth?