Of Butterflies……

I am listening to music as I try to put words down and each time I find myself typing the lyrics of the song am listening to instead of the words related to this article….hehehehe… “you say I am loved when I cant feel a thing, you say I am strong when I think I weak, you say I am held when I am falling short and when I don’t belong, you say I am yours. I believe, oh I believe……” I love this song.  “In You I find my worth in you I find my identity”.  This brings me to wonder why we desperately seek to belong to another person instead belonging to God because it’s Him we truly belong to.  We meet someone new and in no short time we tell them how we belong to them but before the words set in, we are damped or we damp them. This belonging is very temporary don’t you think? When we are in love, lust, infatuated and the in between of this messy confusion, we feel as though we have touched heaven and not just with the pinky finger but with the whole palm.  At that point, everything else becomes senseless and the focus is on this interesting human being we have met.  The butterflies take occupation of the stomach, of which I wonder which route they use to get in. The thought of that person makes you experience almost the same feelings of a panic attack. Your heart beats faster than kîlumî drum beat, you get that ka-sweat which has a very distinct ka-smell and most of the times it comes with a ka-need to scratch the armpit.  If you have never felt these emotions and physical reactions then when others are talking of how they are in love, lust or infatuation, kindly sha-up!! You have basically not been reached there (haujafikwa hapo) hehehe!! The butterflies usually get overactive in a similar way; whenever he/she calls hit you on your celly or sends you a text message or when they don’t do call or text.  Can’t these fluttering things just make up their mind what they want? They have to stop confusing us and decide when to be all over the gut and when to stay still.

Anywhoo!! I am not in love and neither have I finally met Smith. FYI, I have W.I.E dropped the search for him.  In fact, I have instructed the universe to immediately  halt the search for this Smith.  I will not talk much about this new development but let me say this; Missouri opened up my eyes.  I am thinking ‘mundu wa nyumba’ is a better option.  I have made my official statement, and with this in mind, if you see me holding hands with a ‘nyeuthi’ (African), don’t ask questions. You have heard it from the horse’s mouth. By the way, could you be having an uncle, cousin, brother, family friend above ‘fote fae’ (45) who might be looking for a wifi? Come on, stop being mchoyo (mean) and do the intro.  Haki I will make you the cut caker and if you have a daughter or a son below 7yrs I will make them the ring bringer. I will even share with you some of my wedding gifts especially the water glasses, jugs and sets of spoons. I will return a hand I promise. Now that I have forgotten what this article was all about, because am sure it was not about butterflies in the stomach, let me make it about love, infatuation and lust. Do we even know the difference between these three close relatives? I have entered into friendlationships with one intention only to find myself diverted, willingly or unwillingly to another. Do you feel me? I most cases, it ended as being lust or infatuation and never love. The only love I have felt is for my sweet son, siblings, some relatives, a girlfriend and the bad fast and sugary foods. A gal got to be honest for once. All the 4 ninjas I have had since I discovered who men are have either been out of lust or infatuation. I have never been IN LOVE with a man (nor a woman).  Shoot me if you wanna, it is my truth and am sticking to it.  You can come kneel on my neck for all I care because I am not changing my statement. They are only foo/four/4!!

Let us assume it is a lazy Sunday afternoon and you are at Tuskys Supermarket to get some gloceries and as you reach for the cart, another person reaches for the same handle. So you look at them with  that unfriendly glance but once you lock eyes, you immediately think the person looked good.  You say sorry accompanied by a nice smile and let them have the cart.  Strangely you constantly meet in every isle and you quickly smile at each other as you quickly push your carts past each other.  You kinda roll your eyes and say “God, what is happening”.  You then meet at the cashiers and guess what, you get guts to ask for their contacts and then tell them “it was nice meeting you”. Fast forward, 1yr down the line, you have come to know this person and you are still drawn to them in a strong and passionate way.  Your feelings are not based on how they look, what they do for a living, their education level or their tribe but because of who they are and how they make you feel when around them.  If you were asked to go back 1yr, you would choose them all over.  Actually, in the past one year, you have introduced them to your family and friends and they have done the same.  What you have for this person is not based on any emotions.  The two of you have been challenging each other to go for their dreams and ambitions and even though a little jealousy may be felt, it is not obsessive enough to make one give up doing certain things they like.  If you are willing to give up that person if they were unhappy with you, just so they can find someone else who makes them happier, then you have found true love. True love grows gradually as you get to know each other, and in as much as wanting the best for the other means even letting go of them, love still does not give up easily. Love gives you security and peace of mind because you give them your trust with no guarantee that they will not break it.  You agree to be fully vulnerable with them and give your heart to them without any surety that they will not hurt you. If they too love you, they will not do anything to hurt you either because just like you, to love you is a decision they have made while sober. True love never grows legs and walks away or wings and flies away. Your love for that person never dies even if you broke up with them or vise versa. Some people, just like penguins die of a broken heart when their lover leaves them. Love is a beautiful experience.

Infatuation is like that china shoe which looks so cute while in the box but after wearing it two, three times, it does a number on you while trotting around the streets of Nairobi CBD by breaking the heel.  It decides to embarrass (use Nigerian accent here) you in broad day light.  You look at it, it still looks kinda new alright but the heel and the rest of the shoe are no longer together.  In your wallet you only have enough to pay for the matatu fare back home. So, you stop all you were doing and go back home mad as hell. To sink this home, let me illustrate. You meet Sylviah (Sylo haki forgive me buy I don’t mean you…hehehe) in church.  You have your favorite spot on the pews on the 1st upper sitting area and on this particular Sunday, you find this lovely lady in your chair.  You are at first baffled by her nerve but the smile she delivers quickly warms your heart. You sit on the next chair and as the sermon goes on, and whenever the pastor asks you to say something to your neighbor, it is her you turn your face to. All the while you are hoping your breath is still ok as you repeat what the pastor instructs you to say.  Two weeks later, you and Sylviah are hot on each others ears, heels and phones. You are so crazy about each other and you cannot stop calling each other, thinking about each other and you eagerly wait to meet her again.  You are filled with an unshakeable sense of bliss as the emotions rise higher and higher.  5th week since you met her, the feelings start to get less intense.  You begin to question whether you are really in love with her. At this point, you start to focus more on your needs and not for Sylviah.  When she puts across her feelings and concerns, you feel infringed on.  You see her as “too demanding” or “nagging”.  If only she could shut up and show up only when you want her cookie, then you would be happier.  When she shows up, you start snooping in her messages and if you see she has been taking to another male, you flare up with jealousy and things get really bad between you.  Her flaws begin to get on your nerves. You realize she has a big forehead; her small toe does not have a nail and she has no letter “L” in her English and Swahili pronunciations.  In other words, you want a perfect her. Not the one who has all the weaknesses and blemishes.  Sooner or later it gets so messy and the relationship dies.

Shiru, your best friend drags you along with her to this house party.  You actually had no plans of going out but you find yourself on the way to Langata with her.  In the party you meet many new people and as the evening comes, there is this dude you keep throwing eyes at.  You are so drawn to him like bee to the nectar.  2hrs after you are kissing him behind the house and you almost get caught by some drunk guest coming to take a leak.  You don’t go back home with Shiru because you willingly got convinced to go with Kevin to his place. You know what you did last night right?? I bet.  You do the walk of shame the following morning as you go back to your home after a night of you know what.  3 days after, Kevo tells you that what he wants is a “FWB” (Friends with benefits) and you eco his views too.  Lust is the wind pushing both your sails here.  In other words, ‘hakuna kuleta feelings hapa” (developing feelings is unacceptable). After 6 weeks of meeting in secret to “pekejeng”, and as quickly as it started, the FWB contract is terminates.

Now you are in the know!!! So, where are you currently? Is it love, infatuation or lust???

Let me leave you with lyrics from a song by Tina Turner….

“What’s love got to do, got to do with it; Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken……”