Scared

Now this is a true story….and I am kind sad it also becoming my story…..

When I was a young married lady…somewhere between 23 and 25 years old, there was this lady who was our neighbor in the flat we lived in. She worked as an accountant in an international NGO in Embu, which is my home….and she was called Leah. She was above 49yrs of age at that time…and I noticed she had very lose teeth…the front ones…probably 2 of them…But she lived alone….She had no visitors, and I dont remember any children coming to visit her. Probably they did when I was not paying much attention but whenever I went to visit her, she was usually alone working….she carried work home. I always wondered if she was lonely or not. If she was single by choice or because she never found a good man to settle down with. And after a few sessions of socialization with her I got to know that she has been married earlier but it did not go well and so she divorced the man.

And (I remember being told by my English teacher never to start a sentence with AND but I will for now)…as I sit here all alone, I remember her. I feel like this is who she was then. I am alone, not dating anyone, not having any perspectives at all….and it scares the shit out of me…(excuse my french). I am who she was then. A single woman of a certain age as my friend Jocelyn likes to call women above 40yrs. I am going to be 42yrs in August and I am concerned whether this status quo will be maintained till my expiry date.

But a relationship is not a pair of stockings you buy off a shelf…….it is not a thing you buy off the mama mboga’s kiosk. Certain things have to happen at the same time for you to even find a man who dares to take interest in you. And I have learned that as I grow older, the less I attract that attention. And I remember when I was undertaking my degree in Psychology, and as we discussed the psychology of aging, it gets more lonely as you grow older because your energy diminishes with time and you become less active and there will come a time when companionship will be very important for sanity’s sake.

So I sit here, watching this movie called..”man on the train”and I see this old man who lets in a stranger, and he lives in this huge house alone..and he talks too much, telling this stranger who talks very little about the days of his youth….and so many emotions come rushing in….and wishing I had a huge house and then I would have a dog or a cat..but then with the latest shocking news of dogs at the coast, I begin to think it would not be a very wise idea rest the neighbors brand me something that I am not….and if I would have a dog, probably I would be less concerned. My other wish was that I could convince God to bring me a great man…that man who would not awaken my fears that I harbor about relationships…definitely remnants of my experience then.

So what am I scare of? What are these little demons I am scared of…..For sure, I would not want a man who would abuse me physically…or emotionally…or financially…or psychologically. I am scared of such abuse…I would not want to have a man who would cheat on me…I know too well the intensity of betrayal…..and now I love my freedom…am I really sure I would give that up? No….Yet being in a relationship calls for you to give up that control and freedom..and I dont think I am ready to let that go…to me, that would be giving up too much….

So, for all you ladies who are out there…remember, whether we believe it or not..women have a shelf life…..it gets harder and harder to get a hook up as you grow older because, more beautiful and sophisticated ones are born all the time…and men shift their attention from you to the younger and sophisticated women…and all you are left to choose from, and that is if you are lucky to get that opportunity….is a widower or a divorcee…or a “utahama lini”kind of man…….Some may call me a bitter old woman but well…been there done that…and besides..this is just my thoughts…it is not necessarily the gospel truth…..

I rest my fingers…..and I wish you all the love that you deserve.